Third Time, But No Lucky Charm

If you wonder what it feels like to lose three World Cup finals and, most importantly, the LAST World Cup final ever, go ahead and ask the Dutch. They did put on a wonderful display of kick-boxingFatality!, though, something we hadn't seen in almost 4 years"Prendere questa, mascalzone!".

The match was rather unimpressive, with only a few incredible chances missed by Dutch striker Arjen Robben"I missed! I missed! Mama will be so proud of me!", an example of how you can go from zero to...well, zero, since only goal scorers achieve the hero status. Bummer.

The only notable events were the occasional physical interventions and, more preeminently, Jimmy Jump's attemptYeah, that's right, put that anti-racism jerk down to the ground. to hide that horrible, horrible FIFA trophy underneath one of his trademark red hats. A heroic deed"I'm Jesus", were it to succeed, for only a few trophies resemble something a caveman would use for a club. As always, bad taste prevailed and he was stopped within inches from achieving his goal. What a shame.

So there we have it - a controversial World Cup edition draws to an end, as Spain becomes the last sucker* champion of the world.

*American spelling of 'soccer'

The Last FIFA World Cup Final - Paul vs. Mani

This is it, folks, the last FIFA World Cup final before the likely dissolution of the world into ether in 2012. Spain and Holland will meet today in their last chance ever to become world champions. But I'm sure the footballers are all aware of this and realize what's at stake here. No pressure, OK, guys?

In related news, the battle of animal psychics is on! Apparently, two of today's greatest oracles, Paul the octopus and Mani the parakeet have predicted an entirely different outcome of today's match. While Paul's money is on the European champion, Spain, Mani, a big fan of A Clockwork Orange, is expecting to see a clear win from the Netherlands.

Personally, I'll have to go with Mani with this one - the little guy has a more Mayan name than Paul. And when it comes to prophecies, that's pedigree. Moreover, according to his master, the bird has an almost spotless record of accuracy. Pretty kick-ass.

I don't even want to begin imagining the amount of work in Amsterdam's OD sections if they win tonight.

OMG It's A Tiger, Get In The Car!

So cometh 4708, the year of the Metal TigerKickass., the year of prosperityBy inverting the X-axis, economists have finally solved the economic crisis. and peaceTigers are known as loving, caring creatures..

Amongst the optimistic previsions for this year are the end of world hungerBoxes of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes are being shipped to Somalia as we speak., the return of American troops from Middle EastThe new generation of Tiger Tanks will not require manual operation. and the development of a cure for uglinessMiss Feline 2010. And possibly stupidity, but every new year it's the same, so a certain amount of skepticism is advisable.

On the other hand, there are enough reasons to worry about what this feline might bring for some. The shit has already announced it's going to hit the fan some time this year and with the price of windscreen wipers reaching an incredible high of $150, that's really bad news.

There is also an expected ginger kids riot, mostly due to the fact that they... have no soul. They do, however, compensate with their big bottoms, which explains why they are so butthurt about a joke everybody else loves.

Furthermore, nobody believes Tiger WoodsOh, the irony... will be able to fully recover from last year's scandal. But then again, nobody gives a crap about that anyway.

The End's Got To Start Somewhere

In perhaps one of the most delayed news coverage (ever), today we are discussing... Haiti. It's unfortunate that a tragedy of such proportions occurred and by no means is this article intended to make fun of those in need of support right now. Actually, you could help by donating any amount, you have a link to UNICEF's fund raising campaign right here.

The magnitude 7.0 earthquake killed hundreds of thousands and left many more homeless, devastated the capital and blew up the economy. Boy, did Haiti move to Africa or what? Because any way you look at it, the poor are now poorer, food and water are a luxury and surviving the day is all that matters right now. And as if that by itself wasn't already enough, a shady, delusional douche bagPat Robertson's message to the world. thinks Haitians had it coming for a while now, because of a pact made with the DevilWho made a what now? WITH WHO? some 200 years ago. What a trollHairy little bugger., right, guys? But hey, don't rip on the old man, you can't really blame AlzheimerF*ck you dolphin, f*ck you whale..

And while organizations such as Avaaz have raised more than $1 million, countries like Romania donated a meager $50,000Illustration of Romania's Treasury. Wow, that makes me really proud of my nationality. Who knows, maybe the reason for the global economic crisis is that somewhere along the way Adam and Eve made a pact with the Devil. Oh, wait, they did, kind of. DumbassesAdam lost his trademark leaf at a poker game..

Back to the issue at hand, a more rational (read "absurd") explanation than that whole "Devil-owns-their-ass" shenanigan is that we have two more years to go and, well, the end's got to start (unintentional pun...or not) somewhere. Might as well be Haiti, right?

Commerce In The New Decade

It's the third day of the new year and somehow it feels as if man's second-oldest occupation, f*ucking over honest peopleJoin the fun., is flourishing, especially with regard to commerce. And to support these arguments, let's review just three (today's magic number) things that have happened to me since the beginning of the year.

Case number 1: Buying a new mobile phone

Actually, trying to buy one. It comes as no surprise that some stores are still closed for the winter holiday, but when they're actually supposed to be open, but they're not, you wonder if perhaps the space-time continuum has already started to deform. Finding an open shop, however, revealed that the online offer was not as good as it sounded without all the "minor" details.


Case number 2: I didn't buy that, ma'am

Alright, from time to time you stumble upon a sneaky employee*whip not included that somehow manages to convince you that you're the one who actually bought all the stuff in front of you. You suddenly see another bottle of gin, some tampons and a bag of expired chips in front of you and you start wondering whatever happened to the grocery list along the way.

Then you hear the guy behind you complaining how those were actually the things he bought (read the list again... see anything funny?Dear Lord, why?). As is turns out, there is no such situation in which things end favorably for everybody. In this particular case, the owner's wife, who just happened to have no better occupation (say, such as properly raising your children, maybe?) than sit on her... buttocks all day long in the store, made a big deal about it, hissing and cussing like the little harpy she was (is) at the unfortunate employee who messed up. Wow. And then it dawned on me. She was obviously giving head to the right guy.

Case number 3: The cake (was a lieHave some.)

It really was. I bought it for twice the price displayed, since I was in a rush and I was supposed to deliver it ASAP (don't ask, some people would do anything for delicious cakeNot exactly a cake, but it surely looked like one to the little guy.), but not before having an argument with the clerk.

The sad truth is that nobody gives two cents about fairness anymore.

What Might Or Might NOT Happen In 2010

Compiling a list of probable and improbable events is like eating a coconut cream pie through a straw (don't ask). Pretty fun, but you're bound to get stuck in the process. However, looking at what the astrological year
Lions have always been associated with manliness, but this is a little over the top. holds in store for us
How safe would you feel knowing you're wearing a Scorpio condom? Doesn't that needle...oh, forget we asked., our team of specialists and highly-skilled statisticians MIT Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence Laboratory has come up with the following list:

• The Code of Hammurabi is re-enacted, following the failure of the current law system
• Tom Cruise repents for his heresy
• A boost in the lawnmower manufacture saves the world economy
• The Sicilian Mafia rises to power once again
• Animals revolt after reading Orwell's Animal Farm and overthrow humans
• Jesus Christ relocates from Birmingham, Ala. to Birmingham, UK and runs for Prime Minister in the 2010 general elections
• A vampire invasion occurs
• Prices for electronic devices dramatically decrease
• Following Obama's similar success, Pete Doherty wins the Nobel Peace Prize
• Hamilton Island miserably fails to become a popular tourist attraction
  

...although we couldn't figure out which ones were probable events and which were not.

Gracias A Dios Yo No Soy Un Mejicano Este Año!

A simple search on the Internet will reveal that gringos are making a fuss about how Mexicans fear 2010, because they consider correlation inherently implies causation. Or, in other words, no more tacos this year, because in 1810 Spaniards tried to steal the recipe (they still have wet dreams about it), thus causing the Independence War and in 1910 Mexicans fought against each other over how much cheese they should use for tacos whilst still remaining competitive.

Well, OK, that was over-simplified, but you get the picture. Now, what's really got us worried is that

Most recently, Zapatista guerrillas in the poor southern state of Chiapas started a revolt on Jan. 1, 1994, the day the North American Trade Agreement (NAFTA) took effect. A big fear now is that Mexico's drug cartels, responsible for almost 15,000 killings in the past decade, are lending their resources and firepower to emerging guerrilla groups.

Source: Yahoo!/TIME

That sounds bad, doesn't it? Let's read that again, shall we? "Most recently blah blah blah a revolt on Jan. 1, 1994". Wow. The most recent tragic event of large proportions was in 1994 and you're still butthurt about it?

Oh, well... Happy bicentennial, Mexico!